Day 86 – Insomnia aftermath

I am so tired. I didn’t sleep much last night. It took me a long time to drift off, my brain flooded with insidious paranoia and self-pity.

Why is the Self so unbearable in the small hours of the morning? I tell myself that I will see everything differently in the light of day, but all of the jealous, resentful, anxious notions feel so real at 2am.

I had four strong Americanos yesterday afternoon. I am a fool. Even so, I was so nearly asleep – falling gently through the void – when the foul thoughts came. It’s been a long time since I was so easily enslaved by them.

After a quick walk with Luna and a coffee (yes, all right, but I’ll try not to have any after lunch) I feel quite chirpy. At Day Job I allow myself to get focused on something inconsequential – redrawing a chart that seemed unclear – which annoys me a bit, and a further setback has me internally sulking. I wonder if I’m PMSing (I started early last month) or whether this is just tiredness.

I’m amazed I haven’t mentioned this sooner, but I’ve been ploughing through packets and packets of sugar free mints for the last couple of weeks. They completely alleviate my dry mouth, but they’re getting expensive and I imagine that whatever ingredients I’ve been avoiding learning about aren’t great for me at these levels. It’s my usual routine: get addicted to whatever alleviates one symptom and then collect a brand new set of ailments.

Still, I’ve got a bulk pack arriving from Amazon today, along with some hideously expensive but apparently-miraculous specialist sweets. We’ll see.

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